Jim Tews

I can totally belieb he’s a belieber.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:28:19 -0500

I can totally belieb he’s a belieber.

Randy Travis Defends Himself For Being Drunk In Public

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 10:21:21 -0500

Randy Travis Defends Himself For Being Drunk In Public:

This is a piece I wrote for Holy Taco

Chest Hair #15: Overflow Edition

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:18:46 -0500

chesthairshow:

Greetings ladies. Tonight’s show features a stacked lineup, as well as special guest host, Ramon Rivas. Ramon will be teaming up with Jim so Brendan can talk for seven minutes without being rudely interrupted.

Adam Cozens
Chris Distefano
Nore Davis
Scott Chaplain
Ryan Mckee
Brendan Eyre

8pm, No Cover, Cheap Drinks
The Creek and the Cave - Vernon Jackson stop on the 7 train. 21st street stop on the G. Super easy to get to from Manhattan and Brooklyn.

See you Tuesday,

Jim Tews and Brendan Eyre

“If you liked The Brady Bunch Movie, you’ll love...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 10:20:08 -0500

“If you liked The Brady Bunch Movie, you’ll love other movies about incest. And Chuck Norris!”

pbsthisdayinhistory: FEB. 3, 1863: SAMUEL CLEMENS USES MARK...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:33:15 -0500

pbsthisdayinhistory:

FEB. 3, 1863:

SAMUEL CLEMENS USES MARK TWAIN PSEUDONYM

On this day in 1863, writer and humorist Samuel Langhorne Clemens used the pen name “Mark Twain” for the first time.

In 2002, Ken Burns profiled Mark Twain in a two-part special. Head on over to the accompanying site to study the Mark Twain timeline, and explore Mark Twain’s interactive scrapbook.

Let Ryan McKee and I help you not look completely foolish this...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:23:21 -0500

Let Ryan McKee and I help you not look completely foolish this sunday…

So empowering…

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 15:50:30 -0500

So empowering…

Not you, not you, not you, and not you.

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:40:21 -0500

Not you, not you, not you, and not you.

Jim Tew is a beekeeper. Jim Tews is me, the comedian who will be...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:42:59 -0500

Jim Tew is a beekeeper. Jim Tews is me, the comedian who will be appearing on this show.

collegehumor:

CollegeHumor Live - January 26th @ 9:30pm - UCB NYC

We’re back for our first show of 2012! Hosted by Patrick Cassels and featuring:

Jamie Lee

Boris Khaykin

Jim Tew

MC Chris

Grab your tickets here. It’s going to be an awesome show!

So That's What Happens When You Die On The Subway Tracks

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 11:11:39 -0500

I had another “New York City first” on Saturday night. It was the first time I saw a dead body here. It wasn’t exposed, luckily. It was in a body bag, on a gurney, being brought up from the L platform to the F platform at the Sixth Avenue and Fourteenth street station.

My friend and I were going to Brooklyn but couldn’t take the L because the cops bad blocked it off. We went down to catch the M instead, but along with a big group of others, chose the wrong entrance. We got all mixed up for a while; had to cross above ground, then go back down and re-swipe our cards. I could hear the small herd of people who did the same thing as us, following close behind and collectively bitching. For a minute, we both wondered what had happened, but only because we wanted someone to blame our buzzkill on. We shared a few dark theories and laughed about them, then came to the conclusion that it was a drunk who fell, or someone who jumped. That was good enough to make us stop wondering and go back to talking about whatever we’d been talking about earlier.

We stopped when we heard police radios and jingling keys coming up from the tunnel to the L platform — it was six cops and a few MTA workers, carrying a gurney with a big orange body bag on it. The body bag had a weird fold towards the middle. Like either there were two short bodies in the bag, or one normal-sized one, cut in half. To distract myself from the obvious answer, I told myself it was two short bodies. I didn’t want to imagine a fat, drunk guy wobbling in and out of the yellow paint, eventually losing his balance and slipping, just as the train approached, and I didn’t want to picture some depressed twenty-something who couldn’t handle a break-up, staring at a photo of his ex on his iPhone as he leapt off the platform. Instead, I imagined a frustrated, interracial midget couple who held hands as they jumped on to the tracks. Because they were madly in love, but their families couldn’t accept it. That was my heartbreaking but pleasant way of explaining the unusually lumpy body bag.

There were people standing all over the platform as the crew came up. Everyone shuffled to clear a path down the platform around to the first set of stairs so the crew could get through with the gurney, but the crew didn’t go up the stairs. They stopped. Under the stairs — one of them unlocked the supply closet, and the crew carried the gurney inside. They set it down, bumbled around for a minute,then filed out and closed the door.

The emergency crew dispersed, except for one particularly young, gooberish-looking cop, and two MTA workers. The MTA workers went over some paperwork while the cop stood guard. As they left, the cop opened up the closet door, which was totally unlocked, and peeked inside nervously for a second. Like he thought maybe one of the more senior cops was hiding in the body bag, waiting to jump out and scare him. Which would’ve been amazing, but that didn’t happen, so he started to wander around and eventually shuffled up the stairs, leaving the unlocked closet unattended.

As that was happening, everyone on the platform had gone back to whatever they were talking about. I jokingly said to Lauren, “Hey, I know where there’s a dead body!” She said, “Worst ‘Stand By Me’ sequel ever.” We laughed, then watched a handful of people take not-giving-a-shit to the next level by going down to see if the L was running again. Once our train came, we got on, and had pretty much forgotten about what we’d seen until the next day.

So that’s what happens when you die on the train tracks, on a Saturday night, in New York City. Everyone hates you because you caused the station to close down for a while, and you inconvenienced them. Crowds of people will act as though your death was a personal attack on them. Emergency workers will remove your body from the tracks, showing no more emotion than if they were moving a couch. Then they’ll put it in a bag, and throw it in an unattended supply closet, just to get you out of the way of other subway riders. The ones with cooler heads and/or better balance.

My Short-Lived Relationship With a Webcam Girl...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 10:54:52 -0500

This girl kept messaging me on Facebook. I knew it was either some weird Filipino dude, or a webcam girl. Who was also probably a Filipino dude. After about the fourth time, intrigued by his/her persistance, I finally responded…

Jennifer and I don’t talk anymore. I was so hurt that she refused my offer to “cam up”, I hastily broke it off. I hope I did the right thing.

“Holy shit! I think New Gingrich just showed up to our...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:30:57 -0500

“Holy shit! I think New Gingrich just showed up to our orgy!”

What is SOPA?

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:46:51 -0500

SOPA is the Spanish word for “soup,” spelled in all capital letters.

Where have all the good times gone?

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:49:20 -0500

I don’t know where all of yours went, but mine disappeared sometime around 2001. I was in much better shape then, and I knew a lot less. If you want to have your good times back, you’re going to have to get stupid again. You can try doing that with drugs or a head injury. I’m not promoting either, just saying, those are your options.

Fight SOPA!

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:38:29 -0500

Fight SOPA!

My New Year's Resolutions

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:11:00 -0500

Eat less cinnamon rolls.

Learn more about Philadelphia sports teams so I can distract my father when he asks me about my love life.

Do sit-ups.

Stop searching OkCupid for twenty-two year old girls that look like Annie Hall.

Become a member of the Black Keys.

P.S. A lot of new dates have been added to the calendar!

I just filmed a video “Christmas Is Here To Stay” on...

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 20:26:42 -0500

I just filmed a video “Christmas Is Here To Stay” on #viddy http://viddy.it/vO85jA

Looks like Netflix doesn’t give a shit about...

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:21:20 -0500

Looks like Netflix doesn’t give a shit about Christmas…

You guys see the new American Apparel Christmas ad?

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:34:17 -0500

You guys see the new American Apparel Christmas ad?

Heading back to Cleveland next week. Shows at Grog Shop on the...

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:53:00 -0500

Heading back to Cleveland next week. Shows at Grog Shop on the 15th, and this one at Reddstone on the 17th.