Jim Tews

Happy Memorial Day!

Mon, 28 May 2012 12:02:49 -0400

Happy Memorial Day!

Five Ways To Tell Your Discount Furniture Salesman Is Hitting On You

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:41:44 -0400

Look, I know the internet loves lists, but this my personal blog, and I’m keeping it that way. So here’s another personal, very specific list — If you ever find yourself in a discount furniture store in Queens, shopping for a cheap desk chair, and you’re all alone with a swarthy Brazilian salesman, here’s five ways to tell he’s totally trying to get you into a race car bed. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN:

He asks you how the bed he sold you a few months ago is holding up, then he smiles and winks.
You ask him how his family is doing. He shrugs and says “Ok, not bad.” Then he looks in the eye as he smiles and says “Stay single my friend, stay single.” Then he touches your shoulder and squeezes it, like he’s inspecting a farm animal he’s about to purchase.
He insists you help him assemble the chair you bought in a far, dark corner of the second floor.
He looks at your chest and says “You been working out?” You say “No working out, just eating out!” hoping for a laugh to break the one-sided sexual tension.

He replies, “That’s ok, you look good.”
He tells you he likes your beard, but you should “shave it nice and clean” because that’s how he keeps his. He then says “you’re a good boy” no less than three times as you wait for your receipt to print out.

If you want to talk furniture, follow me on twitter.

mtvclutch: 10 Weirdly Funny GIFS Of ‘Pootie Tang’

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:04:31 -0400

mtvclutch:

10 Weirdly Funny GIFS Of ‘Pootie Tang’

The Beastie Boys and Dave Chappelle in 2004. MORE AMAZING WORLDS...

Mon, 07 May 2012 10:39:17 -0400

The Beastie Boys and Dave Chappelle in 2004. MORE AMAZING WORLDS COLLIDING!!!

What The Beastie Boys Taught Me

Fri, 04 May 2012 17:21:00 -0400

I can remember liking the Beastie Boys for as long as I can remember listening to music. They were an amazing combination of reflection and influence throughout my confusing, working-class, hip-hop, alt-rock, urban/suburban youth.

I knew who the Beastie Boys were, and I’d seen the “Fight For Your Right” video when I was way too young. My Dad didn’t give a shit what I watched. Every other week I could go to his house and saturate my brain with MTV, HBO and whatever the fuck else I wanted to watch short of soft-core porn. His only supervision being the occasional “Hey, shut your eyes,” or “Don’t say those words, those words are for adults.” I’m probably a better comedian and worse person for it.

I was fully exposed their music thanks to my stepdad, Bryan. He used to put records on for my sister and I, because that was a thing families did before they all got their own iPads. One album that became my favorite was “Licensed To Ill.” I had no idea what the fuck I was listening to because I was like six, but I knew I liked it.

Fast-forward to 1990 (ish). My Dad’s girlfriend at the time (now his wife) had a brother that was a year older than me. We were both into Beastie Boys, and he gave me his cassette copy of “Paul’s Boutique.” I fucking loved it, but still didn’t know why. I couldn’t relate to the subject matter, I was ten. I held on to that tape like a prisoner carrying a shiv. It just moved from cassette deck to cassette deck. From my little boom box, to my cheap walkman. From my sister’s tape player to the little stereo in the bathroom. From my nightstand drawer to my backpack. I didn’t leave that red cassette out of my sight for a solid year.

For a short while after that, I ditched hip-hop and Beastie Boys. I went to an incredibly diverse school. It looked nothing like anything I’ve ever seen on TV. There was no real majority, there were cliques, but ultimately, it was a big, urban/suburban mix of different races and classes. I was trying to find my circle so I took up playing the saxophone, you know, like all the cool kids were doing.

I was chubby and weird. I played baseball, I was in marching band, I skated, I was abnormally oily, and I was really into Puerto Rican girls with big earrings and shiny, crunchy hair. Everything was incredibly arousing and confusing. I was putting aside all the old and looking for something of my own to latch on to.

“Check Your Head” could not have come along at a better time. The Beastie Boys from “Licensed To Ill” were a little different from the Beastie Boys I who made “Paul’s Boutique,” and the Beastie Boys who made “Check Your Head” were slightly different from the previous two, but they were all somehow the same. They were rapping and they were playing instruments. They were sampling and scratching. They didn’t fit into any specific circle, but they touched all of them. To me, they felt like the center of my own cultural Venn Diagram, if all the circles represented different tables in a public school cafeteria.

They were weird, they were funny, they were talented, and they didn’t give a shit about anything (except Tibet, but that was way later.)

“Ill Communication” was one of the first CD’s I ever owned. It was another one of my favorite albums and it was on constant rotation in my bedroom. If I wasn’t listening to Weezer’s “Blue Album,” I was listening to “Ill Communication.” And the “Sabotage” video — that was pretty mind blowing, and it formally introduced me to Spike Jonze, who I only knew through skate magazines at the time. It was another instance of my teenage worlds colliding. The Beastie Boys came to be at the center of my cultural world, they were like ambassadors of every piece of music and every cultural aesthetic I’d ever been exposed to.

A few years later, when I got a job and a car, “Paul’s Boutique” made a solid personal resurgence. I had a cassette deck and a pieced together stereo system in my ‘87 cavalier. Right around the time I started driving, I made the conscious decision to start smoking cigarettes. The first few packs I bought were KOOL’s, because they were referenced in the song “High Plains Drifter.”

Don’t scoff, you were a fucking idiot at sixteen too.

My first high school girlfriend wouldn’t let me listen to “Paul’s Boutique” if she was in the car. I dumped her for that reason, and because she wouldn’t let me touch her boobs when we made out. Sorry about that Michelle, it would’ve lasted longer if you’d have let me do one of those things. I’m a slightly better person now, and I hope you’re doing well.

For the last two years of high school, I was the DJ in a band. Yeah, you read that right. A DJ — in a band. That was a thing for a while. I saved up for some turntables and my mom bought me a sampler for Christmas. I learned how to scratch and sample. I bought old albums at thrift stores and breakbeat records. I also learned how to use “Cool Edit,” which was an audio recording software that was like the original Garage Band, but way shittier. I made weird mix tapes occasionally joined the band for live shows.

When “Hello Nasty” came out, I was getting ready to leave high school and join the Coast Guard. It was something I’d had planned on doing for a while, simply because college wasn’t an option for me right away, and I didn’t know what else to do. Up until I shipped out, I was fucking around with music a lot. I was heavily influenced and inspired by the Beastie Boys and later Mixmaster Mike. I thought I’d end up being a recording engineer or a producer or something when I got out of the military.

There was no internet contests, no soundcloud, and no YouTube, so I don’t know if I was any good at what I was doing. I had no audience. I just did it in my bedroom and showed it to one or two friends. But I will say, after one of the few times I played out with the band, a girl let me steal third in the parking lot of the venue, so I know I was at least that good.

I wore my hat backwards for a while and I owned about five too many pairs of oversized cargo shorts, but had I not gone through this slightly embarrassing, yet productive phase, I would’ve missed out on a lot. I would not have developed the technical knowledge to land the job I had with HBO Labs for a while, the company that foolishly paid me to make “The Opener.” They brought me on, in part, because I had such a variety of production-related abilities.

I also never would’ve been able to record with Coolio for an HBO Labs video project in 2009:

And had the Beastie Boys not fully exposed me to Spike Jonz, I may have never picked up a video camera, and taught myself how to edit by making skate videos, and I may have never gone to film school, or found standup, or been able to make some really dumb viral videos, like this one.

And most importantly, without the Beastie Boys showing me so early on, that boundaries, backgrounds and labels don’t really matter, I would never have had the audacity to think I could stand in front of a diverse group of people and give them all at least a little something to laugh about and connect with, while still being myself.

Thanks, Beastie Boys. RIP MCA.

The internet is complete.

Thu, 03 May 2012 12:54:00 -0400

The internet is complete.

A Perfect Strangers Video Game?

Thu, 03 May 2012 09:52:00 -0400

Don’t be ridiculous.

Henry Rollins says “Grab life by the shirt and headbutt...

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 19:39:36 -0400

Henry Rollins says “Grab life by the shirt and headbutt your dreams.” I’m paraphrasing, of course.

We’re just some guys trying to make it in New York City,...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:26:48 -0400

We’re just some guys trying to make it in New York City, living the dream, one sensible decision at a time.

"How The Comedy Nerds Took Over"

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 12:09:57 -0400

"How The Comedy Nerds Took Over":

Great article in the NYT addressing the alt-comedy/club comedy issue (which, in my opinion, is becoming, for the better, less of an issue.)

This Sunday: Comedy At The Knitting Factory

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 10:24:34 -0400

This Sunday: Comedy At The Knitting Factory:

I’ll be doing Hannibal Burress’s show at The Knitting Factory in Brooklyn this Sunday. Al Jackson is guest hosting, Phoebe Robinson and Nick Turner are also on the bill. There’s always a crazy drop-in on this show. Do it for yourself.

Find Me In Portland, Oregon This Week. I Dare you.

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 17:21:39 -0400

Here’s where I’ll be in Portland, OR this week for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. These lineups are SICK, bro!

Eagles Lodge Late Night
$10.00 - Thursday, April 12, 2012, 11:00 pm @ Eagles Lodge
Bossanova Early Show
$20.00 - Friday, April 13, 2012, 7:00 pm @ Bossanova Main
BOG Closing Show
$10.00 - Sunday, April 15, 2012, 9:00 pm @ Bar of the Gods

Also, you need to talk more about your feelings.

Looks like we’re rounding the corner of act two in the...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 14:12:00 -0400

Looks like we’re rounding the corner of act two in the dystopian future movie we’re all living in real time. If these things become a reality, you can go ahead and count me out, I’m going off the grid. Please stay out of my eyes, Google.

Judging By The Headline: 'Fred Durst Threatens to Fire Members of Limp Bizkit'

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 18:48:00 -0400

This is a segment where I write a fake article, using a real headline. Enjoy it. This is the first and possibly last.

FRED DURST THREATENS TO FIRE MEMBERS OF LIMP BIZKIT

The weird, aging lead singer of the once surprisingly popular rap-rock band Limp Bizkit told TMZ that he’s considering firing two members of the band: the guy that pretends to DJ and the guy that wears black contacts. Durst says that a few issues are the cause of the pending split, but at the forefront is a difference in style. “I’m always wearing a backwards baseball cap, and it’s gotta be red. Because it has to match my other shit. But the other day, the guy in my band with the black contacts walks in wearin’ the same shit. And I’m like ‘wha?’ So, it’s time to call it off.” said Durst.

We tried to get in touch with the DJ guy, but he declined to comment on the situation. When we asked Durst what the black contact lens guy and the DJ dude thought of the whole thing, he said “Well, the other issue is money. It’s like, I was doing this all for the nookie, but now I’m doing it for money. I’m just sick of these dudes dippin’ in my camo cargo pockets non-stop.”

Durst continued “Those guys are still into partying too. They live the rockstar lifestyle, but I can’t do that anymore. I’ve run out of arm space for more graffiti-influenced tattoos, and I think I have kids. I’m into juice fasts now, and it’s working. I haven’t wanted to break stuff in a while.”

That’s great, Fred, but maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to destroy this. There’s a whole casino circuit you guys could be playing in the next few years if you just tough it out, and if you don’t, Iowa’s premier Limp Bizkit cover band, “The Chocolate Starfishes,” will be there to fill your shell toes.

Here’s an interview I did with Aziz...

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 15:04:00 -0400

Here’s an interview I did with Aziz Ansari…

mtvclutch:

Aziz Ansari Will Mow Your Lawn [Interview]

Thursday at the UCB in NYC, y’all.

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:56:00 -0400

Thursday at the UCB in NYC, y’all.

getbacktowork: Drew this while in a mopey kind of mood. Feel...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:55:23 -0400

getbacktowork:

Drew this while in a mopey kind of mood.
Feel much better now.

HASHTAG: COMEDYJOKES

In Honor of Trayvon Martin, A Neighborhood Crime Watch Reference Chart

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:10:00 -0400

The Best Things About Being Single

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 12:54:00 -0400

The twitter trend #BestThingAboutBeingSingle started one afternoon last week, and I didn’t jump on until about 1am, when you were all sleeping. I’ve compiled them in a neat list for you:

BEST THING ABOUT BEING SINGLE:

Realizing YOU’RE the problem!

Telling the girls at Starbucks your ex-wife died in a fire!

Kissing your iPhone goodnight!

Leaving everything in your will to a guy you met on a flight to Portland one time!

Checking Craigslist missed connections like it’s your email!

Listing Pizza Hut as your emergency contact!

Dying alone!

Misinterpreting physical cues from strangers of the opposite sex!

Shitting your pants and not having to tell anyone about it!

Mentally rehashing pivotal arguments from your previous relationships while you wait in line at the deli!

Painful, unwanted flashbacks from the first time you fell in love!

Trying to figure out where everything went wrong with everyone of your exes as you fall asleep alone every night!

Follow me on twitter for more of THAT!

A Few Goals For Spring

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 16:02:00 -0400

Today is the first day of Spring, or the Vernal Equinox, if you’re into science and shit. That means it’s time for change, renewal, and wearing breezy dresses.

It’s a time for self-improvement, and there’s no better way to improve oneself than to set a few goals. These are mine, but I really think they could apply to all of us:

Wear cooler hats.
Wear nicer shoes.
Call my parents more often.
Save money on weekends by sneaking beer into the bar.
Stop getting angry at the Kony2012 guy, he had the best intentions. (I mean Joseph Kony, not the guy who made the video.)
Pet more puppies.
Stop calling the cops on black teens just because they’re carrying skittles. Even if they’re holding those skittles like a gun.
Wash my jeans more often.
Never wear flip-flops.
Become a member of The Black Keys.