Look, I know the internet loves lists, but this my personal blog, and I’m keeping it that way. So here’s another personal, very specific list — If you ever find yourself in a discount furniture store in Queens, shopping for a cheap desk chair, and you’re all alone with a swarthy Brazilian salesman, here’s five ways to tell he’s totally trying to get you into a race car bed. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN:

1. He asks you how the bed he sold you a few months ago is holding up, then he smiles and winks.
    
2. You ask him how his family is doing. He shrugs and says “Ok, not bad.” Then he looks in the eye as he smiles and says “Stay single my friend, stay single.” Then he touches your shoulder and squeezes it, like he’s inspecting a farm animal he’s about to purchase.
    
3. He insists you help him assemble the chair you bought in a far, dark corner of the second floor.
    
4. He looks at your chest and says “You been working out?” You say “No working out, just eating out!” hoping for a laugh to break the one-sided sexual tension.
   
   He replies, “That’s ok, you look good.”
    
5. He tells you he likes your beard, but you should “shave it nice and clean” because that’s how he keeps his. He then says “you’re a good boy” no less than three times as you wait for your receipt to print out.

If you want to talk furniture, follow me on twitter.

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I can remember liking the Beastie Boys for as long as I can remember listening to music. They were an amazing combination of reflection and influence throughout my confusing, working-class, hip-hop, alt-rock, urban/suburban youth.

I knew who the Beastie Boys were, and I’d seen the “Fight For Your Right” video when I was way too young. My Dad didn’t give a shit what I watched. Every other week I could go to his house and saturate my brain with MTV, HBO and whatever the fuck else I wanted to watch short of soft-core porn. His only supervision being the occasional “Hey, shut your eyes,” or “Don’t say those words, those words are for adults.” I’m probably a better comedian and worse person for it.

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