Jim Tews

Former quarterback for the philadelphia phillies.

The Startup Baby

I had a lucky upgrade to first class on a flight from LAX to SFO. First time in my life flying first class. Next to me was a toddler with his own seat. I’m not normally an airplane talker, but I had questions.

"How’d you end up here?" I asked. He looked up from his iPad mini.

"Startup." He said.

"That’s cool. What is it?" He closed the iPad and shuffled in his seat, crossing his legs underneath him. He turned towards me and put a tiny finger on the side of his Google Glass, which I didn’t see until he faced me completely. He scanned me up and down.

"Sorry. You’re a stranger, so I’m recording video." He said. His r’s kept sounding like w’s which made everything feel less important.

"I get it. You have my permission."

He looked around and his face started to scrunch. He let out a short wail, and almost instantly a hand holding a small bowl of cheerios came in between the seats from behind us. His mood instantly lifted and he clumsily shoved a few of them in his mouth. “My startup is called ‘Diapr’. It’s a mobile app.”

"What’s it do?"

"It finds adults in your area who are willing to change you."

"Oh, that’s genius. Was it hard to find the money?"

"I’m not in first class by accident."

"I am." I laughed nervously.

"We know."

A stern, female voice comes from behind us. “That wasn’t nice. You apologize to the man.” The boy mumbled an apology and continued.

"I didn’t really have a problem finding money. I’ve had two really good birthdays. We invested the money from the first one into some really successful tech companies. Plus a few angel investors chipped in and we had a nice seed."

"That’s impressive." I said. Strangely, I was not jealous. I just realized his life’s trajectory was a rocket pointing towards the moon. While mine was a tattered hot air balloon already beginning its descent. There wasn’t much I could do besides be amazed.

"I didn’t do any of the programming, so I can’t take the credit for that. I’m kind of an idea baby."

"Still, very impressive."

"Thanks. It was an easy sell, honestly. I mean, I’m getting my customer base earlier than anyone, and new users are born every minute."

"Literally."

"I don’t know that word."

"Well, you used an expression, and in this case, it… Never mind. I probably used it wrong anyway. What’s next for you?"

"I’m going to keep hitting this young market. We’re the real tastemakers. We’re the newest wave of consumers."

"Well, you’re not actually the consumers."

"Huh?"

"I mean, adults are buying this stuff for you." His eyes became puddles, his mouth turned downward and he started crying hard.

"I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, don’t cry buddy! Hey, look!" I started making faces at him. Then acting like I’d suddenly lost control of my right arm, I began hitting myself. He giggled and a tissue appeared from behind us, wiping his eyes and nose.

"Sorry about that. I think I need a nap."

A foul smell wafted towards me. The baby hit a few keys on his iPad, I heard a phone beep behind us and the woman grabbed the boy. Minutes later he was placed back in his seat, clean and sleeping. We landed and exchanged emails. I sent him my resume this morning.

Tonight’s my last night at Creek and Cave. Free show, 7p. Lots of Tews. (at The Creek and The Cave)

Tonight’s my last night at Creek and Cave. Free show, 7p. Lots of Tews. (at The Creek and The Cave)

Check out my bubbling hot “Simmer Reel”

I’m doing some cool stuff in August. Please attend. Get your Tews on.

I’m doing some cool stuff in August. Please attend. Get your Tews on.

Whoa, this is crazy! A rare live bootleg of The Undone Sweaters with Danny Tamberelli on bass.