Jim Tews

Former quarterback for the philadelphia phillies.

Top Five Times My Dad Laughed At Me When I was Severely Injured

In honor of Father’s Day, I’d like to share with you the times my dad has seen me get severely injured, and immediately reacted by laughing at me. To his credit, he was usually laughing while picking me up and taking me to the hospital. These are in chronological order.

1. When I was potty training and toilet seat fell on my dick.

2. When I accidentally got stabbed in the leg with a filet knife.

3. When a stray skateboard hit me in the face and busted my nose.

4. When a baseball, thrown by my uncle, fractured my orbital socket.

5. When I broke my ankle skateboarding.

I Heard A Guy Describe ‘The Golden Girls’ To Someone Who’d Never Seen It

Yesterday morning on the M train a hispanic man, probably in his late twenties, got on at Flushing Ave. He was already on the phone when he when the doors opened and he kept the conversation going after he sat down. I forgot my headphones, so I was forced to listen to what I thought would be somebody’s terrible morning conversation. Then I heard him say this:

Yeah, shit. I’m tired as fuck though…

I was watching Golden Girls…

You never heard of it? It’s funny as shit…

Yeah, it’s like three old ladies, and they live together, but they’re crazy. And like they’re old so their husbands are all dead. So now they can do whatever they want. Like drink or go on dates and stuff…

Yeah, and like the old one is this old Italian lady. It’s so good…

Yeah, you have to watch it. It’s mad funny…

Alright, Iater man.

Anonymous asked: I think you're cute.

This is not a question. Please format properly and resubmit.

Here’s a picture I took of Daft Punk without their helmets.

Here’s a picture I took of Daft Punk without their helmets.

Don’t be cynical.

Five Parody Twitter Accounts I Thought About Creating But Didn’t

Here’s a few Twitter parody accounts I came up with, but never pursued. If you feel so inspired, you’re welcome to take the reins. I’ve included a sample tweet and some notes: 

Don Draper’s Hot Tooth - @DonsHotTooth

“Wow, I’m probably infected. Seems like a partner at a major ad agency could afford to get me taken care of.”

(The timing’s a little behind on this one, but you might be able to get something out of it.)

Modern M*A*S*H - @ModernMASH

“The other members of the unit encourage Klinger’s cross-dressing by putting on a mandatory drag show during liberty.”

(Modern Seinfeld was a fun premise, so I figured, why not see how the scenarios of another legendary show might play out today?)

Apologetic Archie Bunker - @ApologeticArchie

“Hey, Meathead! You know Marie Curie was Polish? Sorry for all dem things I said about you Pollocks.”

(I always imagine that after a big swell of Archie Bunker ignorance, he did some reading and attempted to evolve his opinions.)

Shit My Stepdad Said - @ShitMyStepDadSaid

“I’m doing the best I can. We’re both learning how to be a part of this family, so let’s work together.”

(This one was good, but the more I wrote, the more awkwardly personal it got. I’ve continued writing them, but only in my journal.)

Overheard In My Apartment - @OverheardIn3R

“Hey are you watching TV right now? I kind of want to watch something on Netflix.”

(This one had some potential, but for the most part, what my other two roommates say to each other is fairly boring so I lost interest.)

I just don’t understand how someone could do this. Even if they’re only eight years old.

I just don’t understand how someone could do this. Even if they’re only eight years old.